The Time Machine

 I have often fantasized about the idea of going back in time. Of waking up one morning, and it's 1999 again. I get to do things all over again. Sometimes I express this fantasy to people and they thing it's some Back to the Future, Sports Almanac situation. But that's not it. The fantasy isn't about betting on the super bowl, buying stock in Apple, or buying Bitcoins for pennies. I think I only just now figured out what it's truly about.

My entire life, I have felt a step behind everyone else. Every single class I was in, I was the quiet kid. I was awkward. I was super kind, and had good things to say, but I didn't speak often. To my close friends, I was a very good friend, but to everyone else, I was kind of just there. This was true for my entire elementary school experience, where I essentially had two friends, it was true for middle school, where I essentially had no friends, and it was true in high school, where I made great friendships, but still felt like I was catching up. It was true in college, where I didn't really make long term connections, and it has still been true at work, where moving work relationships to true friendships is not a thing I've ever managed to do. 

So what is the fantasy really about? It's about the fact that this fantasy is the only situation in which I can imagine myseslf being a step ahead. Having an edge socially. Being able to keep up in a conversation. Of course I think about other aspects of it as well, but it always comes back to being able to be ahead socially. And if I'm being honest, it's less about trying to relive my teenage years and more about yearning for any situation where I feel caught up. Where I feel at ease and confident in a group. Somedays I'll spend time with loved ones and feel like I have caught up. And then I'll go to a work function and have absolutely no idea how to join a conversation. To be honest I've kind of lost the desire to go to work parties, ever. Because I've spent all day trying to fit in with these people, and it was exhausting, why would I want to spend my own time doing that?

But it's not just socializing where I've noticed differences. There are certain skills that I am fully capable of doing, that just take me a little bit longer than everyone else to figure out. Driving? I think I'm a fully capable driver now, but I took more tries at the L and N tests than I'd like to admit. Sports? I'm good enough to have fun now, but I had no idea what to do in any team sport until high school. Walking? Yup, even as a baby, took my time with learning how to walk too.

I'm not saying I'm not good at anything. I do have some natural gifts. I believe I'm very good at researching topics of interest and remembering tons of information about them. At one point, at the peak of my interest in Big Brother, I could tell you about the voting results of every single week of Big Brother from Season 2 - Season 14. Within a year of being a hockey fan I could tell you every MVP, Playoff MVP, and first overall pick of the last twenty years, I could also tell you every Stanley Cup winner going back to the 70's. 

But that doesn't help me out career wise. You know what skill of mine has helped me the most throughout my career? Connecting with kids on the autism spectrum. Engaging in their interests. Being patient with them. Supporting their needs. Reminding them to be patient with themselves. Giving them time and space to be themselves and grow at their own pace and to make mistakes. To not be perfect at things the first time. Sometimes I think I ended up in this job by acciddent, but it was not a coincidence. I was drawn there. I've always been drawn there. Towards kids who feel different. Towards kids who don't fit in. Towards kids who were like me.

So I guess if I had the time machine, I wouldn't relive my life. I wouldn't do things different. But I would tell myself that it was okay. That I would have a hard time making friends, but I'd find people. That not every skill would come naturally, but to be patient with myself. That I needed to give myself time and space to grow at my own pace and to make mistakes. And I guess the reason I'm writing this is because I don't need a time machine to tell myself that now.

My Top 5 TV Moments of 2015

Let's do this.

5. Narcos - Silver or Lead

Spoiler level of this clip - 4/10. It's from the first episode and is in all the trailers. Your call.

Is Narcos the most insightful, well written show? Nope. But it is a ton of fun. This shortened clip doesn't really do it justice, the full clip is much better. It's perfect to let you know what the show is going to be. If you want a show that's going to feature a ton of action, a ton of Pablo Escobar, and a ton of beautiful shots of Columbia, this fits the bill.

4. Game of Thrones - Hardhome

Spoiler level of this clip - 7/10. Let's be honest though, if you haven't watched Game of Thrones yet, you're probably not going to

So, I have a complex relationship with this show. Obviously I love it, and I look forward to it more than any show. But at the same time it'll always be a supplement to the book series for me. It falls short of the book a lot of the time. This season more times than ever before. But this is one area where it went well and above the books. This scene was absolutely captivating, and helped breath a ton of fresh air into a season that was gasping for it.

3. Master of None - Indians on TV.

Okay, so I couldn't actually find this clip on YouTube, but if you have Netflix it is just the intro to the fourth episode. If you don't have Netflix, let's be honest, you're probably not reading this.

I loved this show. It was my favourite comedy of the year. This episode solidified that for me. Aziz Ansari has a way of bringing a fresh new perspective to comedy, while at the same time making you feel like you can relate to everything that can happen. I have no idea what it's like to be a visible minority, to feel like you're never represented in the media except to be mocked, but this episode made me feel like I knew that feeling exactly. This show is charming, clever, smart, and insightful. More than any other show, I would point to this show as a representation of my generation.

2. Mr. Robot - The End of Episode 8

Spoiler level of clip - Off the charts. Too high. Have a trailer for the show instead.

If you've watched the show, you know what I'm talking about. The show had a lot of jaw dropping moments, but this scene practically unhinged my jaw. Mr. Robot was the "out of nowhere" show of the year for me. It was completely off my radar until it was practically over, but man am I glad I caught it. The first half of the season is pretty good, and the second half of the show is incredible. 

1. The last moments of The Americans season 3. 

Spoiler level of this clip: Yeah right. Watch the show. Here's a trailer.

In season 1, The Americans became one of my top 10 favourite shows. This year, it joined the competition for my favourite show of all time. No show combines history, politics, action, family drama, and deep personal conflict like this show does. It's deep, it's dark, it's surprising, and it's at times troubling. The final moments of season 3 left me wanting more like no other show ever has. When I think about what I'm looking forward to watching the most next year, The Americans is miles ahead.

Honourable mentions.

The Mad Men finale - I love Mad Men. It is without question one of the greatest shows of all time. Having said that, there was no single moment this season that gripped me as much as these shows.

Fargo - So, I'm behind on this show. I just finished season 1, and I loved it. But that wasn't from this year. I have a feeling season 2 will have a moment that would have qualified.

Better Call Saul - Good show. Enjoyed it. Not entirely sure I would've watched it without the Breaking Bad legacy though.

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt - Hilarious show. Tons of great moments. Would make a top ten easy.

You're the worst - Fantastic show. Hilarious and dark and insightful and outrageous all at the same time.

My top 5 TV episodes of 2014

There is a law somewhere that states you have to make a list at new years. I don't know where exactly the law is, but I'm pretty sure it exists, so I'd rather not risk it. Therefore, here are my top episodes of television from 2014!

Pre-emptive spoiler alert, I tried to keep it spoiler free, but if you're really worried, you haven't seen the episode, and you want to, maybe don't read the section.

5. Silicon Valley Season 1, episode 8 "Optimal Tip-to-Tip Efficiency"

Quick warning, don't watch this clip if you're at work, or if you're someone's grandma.

This episode basically makes the cut for this joke alone. It was the joke of the year. Silicon Valley is a great show, it's clever, smart, and has heart. Also, it's only 8 episodes so far, so you don't even have to invest much time in to it.

4. New Girl Season 4, episode 6 "Background Check"

A clip that sets up the ridiculous premise of this episode

New Girl and I have a strained relationship. Sometimes I hate it. Sometimes I think I couldn't even like the basic premise of it. Sometimes it seems like it's trying just a little too hard. And then, sometimes, it nails it. This episode made me laugh more than any other thing on TV this year. If you've watched this show before, but got frustrated by its inconsistencies like I did, watch this episode and let it win you back.

3. The Americans Season 2, episode 13 "Echo"

A preview of The Americans

I just started watching this show a couple of months ago. It had me from the very beginning and only got better. After watching an episode from season 2 Sam would ask me if I was having heart palpitations because I constantly had a shocked look on my face. This episode topped off what was a fantastic season. It was intense, shocking, captivating, and left me desperate for season 3 (Which starts later this month!). If you enjoy drama, espionage, and complex family relationships, you need to watch this show!

2. Mad Men Season 7, episode 7 "Waterloo"

The burger chef pitch

This is a show about people selling things, and it's really hard to sell to people. Sometimes I tell people they wouldn't like it, but that doesn't mean it's not one of the best shows ever. It's slow, it's subtle, and it's hard to explain why a scene like the one above works as well as it does unless you've seen everything leading up to it. Having said that, I love this show, and this was one of my favourite episodes of it. It included the moon landing, last minute closed door business, the death of a major character, a mesmerizing song and dance ending, and yet the best part was watching a fast food advertisement pitch.

1. Game of Thrones Season 4, episode 10 "The Children"

An enormous spoiler clip

I've read the books. I knew what was coming. That did not stop this from being my favourite TV moment of the year. It's hard for me to properly rate this show because for me it's more than a show. I don't think of the show as an independent product, but rather a reinterpretation of the books. I'm always judging it in comparison to what the books did. There are places they fall short of the books and places they do much better. I love seeing the decisions this show makes. Traditionally, with this show, the best stuff happens in episode 9. Episode 9 was pretty good this year, but everyone was waiting for this. If you'd read the books, you were excited to see this scene, if you hadn't, you couldn't wait to see what was going to happen. Based on the quality of the books, the best of this show may be over. The show has a lot of interesting choices to make from here on out, for the first time since I watched season 1 unspoiled, I feel I don't know what will happen in each episode. I love that.

2014 was pretty damn good for television. Some great shows that I didn't get to include are Cosmos, You're the worst, Parks and Recreation, and Veep. Then there are shows I know are good but I haven't gotten around to watching. Here's hoping for another good TV year in 2015!

2

There's something terrifying about the fact that Grace loves Dora.

Let me explain.

Today, Grace turned two. Two! That's crazy. It's one of those moments when time seems to move so quickly, but at the same time everything seems so long ago. It feels like Grace has grown up so fast, but it also feels like the days I would let her sleep on my chest while I sat on the couch were a different era.

When she was first born she couldn't do anything but eat, poop, and sleep. She couldn't even hold her head up on her own. She had no real sense of personality, no interests, no tastes, no quirks. She was just a baby. She was our little baby.

When she turned one you could see more of who she was developing. She could walk, say a word or two, started to show a preference for music, dancing, and loved to laugh. However, her experience in this world was still largely dictated by us. The preferences she developed were all based on different things we had introduced to her to see if she would enjoy.

A few months ago, something interesting happened. Grace has a Dora the explorer book. We had read it to her a few times. Then, while we were at a store, she noticed a Dora toy and immediately wanted it. We were surprised she even recognized it, never mind the fact that she was drawn to it. We didn't make a big deal about Dora, it just happened to be in her book rotation.

Fast forward to today. Everyday she reads her Dora book before bed. She has Dora shoes, coats, and pyjamas, much of which she picked out herself. She often asks us to draw Dora characters for her. Dora has become one of her favourite things. All this because it was in the rotation.

There was a moment at some point in Grace's life where she gained the ability to create her own experience in life. I don't know when or how it happened, but it did. That's kind of terrifying. As a parent, you can't help but wonder what your kid will turn out like. You hope to guide them to be a good person, to be compassionate, caring, intelligent, and fun. You hope they'll take on your best parts, while overcoming your worst. In reality, there's only so much you can do. At some point, they start to create their own experience.

What if Grace makes that experience different than how I imagined it? What if, as she grows, she's not as intellectual as I'd like? What if she hangs out with the wrong crowd? What if she becomes an Oilers fan?

The possibilities. They are terrifying. But they are also incredibly exciting. As I see Grace become interested in things like music, dancing, animals, drawing, cooking, and playing I can't help but be super excited about where those interests go. Where this little ball of personality and fun continues to go. I love her and I will always be proud of her. As she grows, it starts to become more and more clear that having a baby also means having a person.

Happy birthday Grace. I love who you're becoming, and I can't wait to see who you become.

Dear Grace: Who you are after a year and a half.

Dear Grace

You have been one and a half for about a week now, which officially puts you in the "toddler" category.

What the heck? How did that happen?

When Mom was pregnant with you I couldn't wait to meet you and learn more about you. When you finally came into this world I was ecstatic, and I couldn't love you any more than I already did, but it was hard to say I exactly knew much more about you. Sure, I knew what you looked like, whose nose you had, and that I would love you forever, but you didn't seem much like a person. You had no interests or preferences, and you didn't have much of a personality other than "baby" to speak of. Sure, I knew you liked sleeping, lights, and putting things in your mouth, but I still wondered so much about who you'd grow up to be.

That's still true. I still wonder what you'll be when you're older, but I feel I can say with confidence that I know you a lot better after a year and a half. These are the top 5 things I know about you as you enter the toddler zone!

1. You love to dance.

Holy smokes girl, do you ever love to dance. You learned to dance before you learned to crawl. It takes you about half a second to recognize one of your favourite songs and you immediately start moving. Sometimes I'll be holding you and you'll recognize the music before I do, it'll take me a second to realize why you're moving like that. The best part is the little snaps of your fingers to go along with it.

2. You love to do whatever mommy and daddy are doing.

A couple of months ago we bought you a toy broom. That may seem like a funny toy for a toddler, but we got it out of necessity. Whenever we were sweeping, you wanted in on the action, which usually caused more of a mess than it did anything else. So we gave you your own broom, so you could sweep while we did. Now, we have you sitting at the table with us instead of in your high chair. You cannot get enough of it. We've often caught you doing things like brushing your hair, talking on our phones, putting deodorant under your arms, and attempting to clean the toilets. You can't wait to be a big girl!

3. You love the outdoors.

You could spend all day outside. In fact, you could spend all day screaming at the door asking one of us to let you outside. You love being outside, running around, pointing out animals, finding new things to explore, throwing balls around. I don't know if it's the fresh air or the endless possibilities, but either way you can't get enough of it.

4. You love to read.

Grace, I have a confession for you. I love reading. Part of my job is getting other people to love reading. It was always a hope of mine that you would love reading. However; I'm getting a little sick of Hop on Pop. Seriously, you will give me the same book ten times in a row and cry and cry unless I read it. Now, I'm not about to do something for you just because you're crying, but how could I possibly not read to you? I love it, you love it, and it's important. I'm just waiting for the day we can introduce a little variety to your literary cannon.

5. You are loving.

You love your mom, you love your dad, you love your grandparents and your aunts and uncle. You love their pets. You have a particular love for cats right now, which is odd because your mom and I are not cat people, yet every time you see a cat you cannot contain your excitement. You love your toys and you love the characters in your books. They are all subject to your gentle pets and soft kisses. You are a joy to everyone around you and I am proud to call you my daughter.

There you have it. That's the top 5 things I know about you, and that's just the tip of the iceberg. I can't wait to learn more about you as you continue to grow, discover new things, and find new ways to communicate (I can't wait for you to talk more!). I love who you're turning in to. You are my kind, sweet, thoughtful, fun, curious little girl and I wouldn't change a thing about you.

Love Dad.

A Long Distance Relationship

That first night we met under the stars

The way I used to sing your name in joy

The way we would give our lives for each other

It all seems so distant now.

Like a fading memory of a childhood

That doesn't quite seem like my own anymore.

I can no longer remember the sound of your voice

The feeling of your embrace

The warmth of your presence

Do you still think of me?

... Do you remember me?

Maybe I was too young to understand.

An idealist,

A dreamer.

Maybe I've turned into a skeptic

How can you not?

But what does a skeptic know of love?

Of hope?

Faith?

Maybe I've simply learned what it's like when someone is truly there for you

When someone can kiss you...hold you... touch you.

Maybe a distant promise is no longer enough.

Maybe I'm questioning all those ideals we used to speak of.

Was any of it true?

Truthfully I don't know where we stand anymore

But through it all there is one thing I do know

I still need you.

Advice to a one year old

Baby girl, who doesn't seem so much like a baby anymore
Let me tell you a story about your father.
Your father didn't walk until he was 19 months old.
It wasn't that he couldn't, but rather that he wouldn't.
It's scary. You get up there, and you never know when you'll fall.
You never know when something is going to trip you up
When an obstacle will get in your way that you just didn't see coming
And so I crawled. It's much safer down there, where there's less to fall from.
There's also less to see, less to reach for, less to achieve.
So when I see you, little one year old, walking around that corner with confidence in your eyes
I can't help but well up with pride. You fly around these floors which you once crawled around
with a look on your face that says "Hey, what could possibly stop me now?"
Will you fall every now and then? Of course!
Will you get into mischief? I'd be worried if you didn't!
But don't let it stop you. Don't let it slow you.
Keep flying around corners with that proud look on your face
Keep beaming with confidence, even when you fall
I'll be here to pick you back up and tell you to keep going.
Learn from your falls, don't let them take over your actions.
Always know that you've made your father proud.