2

There's something terrifying about the fact that Grace loves Dora.

Let me explain.

Today, Grace turned two. Two! That's crazy. It's one of those moments when time seems to move so quickly, but at the same time everything seems so long ago. It feels like Grace has grown up so fast, but it also feels like the days I would let her sleep on my chest while I sat on the couch were a different era.

When she was first born she couldn't do anything but eat, poop, and sleep. She couldn't even hold her head up on her own. She had no real sense of personality, no interests, no tastes, no quirks. She was just a baby. She was our little baby.

When she turned one you could see more of who she was developing. She could walk, say a word or two, started to show a preference for music, dancing, and loved to laugh. However, her experience in this world was still largely dictated by us. The preferences she developed were all based on different things we had introduced to her to see if she would enjoy.

A few months ago, something interesting happened. Grace has a Dora the explorer book. We had read it to her a few times. Then, while we were at a store, she noticed a Dora toy and immediately wanted it. We were surprised she even recognized it, never mind the fact that she was drawn to it. We didn't make a big deal about Dora, it just happened to be in her book rotation.

Fast forward to today. Everyday she reads her Dora book before bed. She has Dora shoes, coats, and pyjamas, much of which she picked out herself. She often asks us to draw Dora characters for her. Dora has become one of her favourite things. All this because it was in the rotation.

There was a moment at some point in Grace's life where she gained the ability to create her own experience in life. I don't know when or how it happened, but it did. That's kind of terrifying. As a parent, you can't help but wonder what your kid will turn out like. You hope to guide them to be a good person, to be compassionate, caring, intelligent, and fun. You hope they'll take on your best parts, while overcoming your worst. In reality, there's only so much you can do. At some point, they start to create their own experience.

What if Grace makes that experience different than how I imagined it? What if, as she grows, she's not as intellectual as I'd like? What if she hangs out with the wrong crowd? What if she becomes an Oilers fan?

The possibilities. They are terrifying. But they are also incredibly exciting. As I see Grace become interested in things like music, dancing, animals, drawing, cooking, and playing I can't help but be super excited about where those interests go. Where this little ball of personality and fun continues to go. I love her and I will always be proud of her. As she grows, it starts to become more and more clear that having a baby also means having a person.

Happy birthday Grace. I love who you're becoming, and I can't wait to see who you become.

Dear Grace: Who you are after a year and a half.

Dear Grace

You have been one and a half for about a week now, which officially puts you in the "toddler" category.

What the heck? How did that happen?

When Mom was pregnant with you I couldn't wait to meet you and learn more about you. When you finally came into this world I was ecstatic, and I couldn't love you any more than I already did, but it was hard to say I exactly knew much more about you. Sure, I knew what you looked like, whose nose you had, and that I would love you forever, but you didn't seem much like a person. You had no interests or preferences, and you didn't have much of a personality other than "baby" to speak of. Sure, I knew you liked sleeping, lights, and putting things in your mouth, but I still wondered so much about who you'd grow up to be.

That's still true. I still wonder what you'll be when you're older, but I feel I can say with confidence that I know you a lot better after a year and a half. These are the top 5 things I know about you as you enter the toddler zone!

1. You love to dance.

Holy smokes girl, do you ever love to dance. You learned to dance before you learned to crawl. It takes you about half a second to recognize one of your favourite songs and you immediately start moving. Sometimes I'll be holding you and you'll recognize the music before I do, it'll take me a second to realize why you're moving like that. The best part is the little snaps of your fingers to go along with it.

2. You love to do whatever mommy and daddy are doing.

A couple of months ago we bought you a toy broom. That may seem like a funny toy for a toddler, but we got it out of necessity. Whenever we were sweeping, you wanted in on the action, which usually caused more of a mess than it did anything else. So we gave you your own broom, so you could sweep while we did. Now, we have you sitting at the table with us instead of in your high chair. You cannot get enough of it. We've often caught you doing things like brushing your hair, talking on our phones, putting deodorant under your arms, and attempting to clean the toilets. You can't wait to be a big girl!

3. You love the outdoors.

You could spend all day outside. In fact, you could spend all day screaming at the door asking one of us to let you outside. You love being outside, running around, pointing out animals, finding new things to explore, throwing balls around. I don't know if it's the fresh air or the endless possibilities, but either way you can't get enough of it.

4. You love to read.

Grace, I have a confession for you. I love reading. Part of my job is getting other people to love reading. It was always a hope of mine that you would love reading. However; I'm getting a little sick of Hop on Pop. Seriously, you will give me the same book ten times in a row and cry and cry unless I read it. Now, I'm not about to do something for you just because you're crying, but how could I possibly not read to you? I love it, you love it, and it's important. I'm just waiting for the day we can introduce a little variety to your literary cannon.

5. You are loving.

You love your mom, you love your dad, you love your grandparents and your aunts and uncle. You love their pets. You have a particular love for cats right now, which is odd because your mom and I are not cat people, yet every time you see a cat you cannot contain your excitement. You love your toys and you love the characters in your books. They are all subject to your gentle pets and soft kisses. You are a joy to everyone around you and I am proud to call you my daughter.

There you have it. That's the top 5 things I know about you, and that's just the tip of the iceberg. I can't wait to learn more about you as you continue to grow, discover new things, and find new ways to communicate (I can't wait for you to talk more!). I love who you're turning in to. You are my kind, sweet, thoughtful, fun, curious little girl and I wouldn't change a thing about you.

Love Dad.

A Long Distance Relationship

That first night we met under the stars

The way I used to sing your name in joy

The way we would give our lives for each other

It all seems so distant now.

Like a fading memory of a childhood

That doesn't quite seem like my own anymore.

I can no longer remember the sound of your voice

The feeling of your embrace

The warmth of your presence

Do you still think of me?

... Do you remember me?

Maybe I was too young to understand.

An idealist,

A dreamer.

Maybe I've turned into a skeptic

How can you not?

But what does a skeptic know of love?

Of hope?

Faith?

Maybe I've simply learned what it's like when someone is truly there for you

When someone can kiss you...hold you... touch you.

Maybe a distant promise is no longer enough.

Maybe I'm questioning all those ideals we used to speak of.

Was any of it true?

Truthfully I don't know where we stand anymore

But through it all there is one thing I do know

I still need you.

Advice to a one year old

Baby girl, who doesn't seem so much like a baby anymore
Let me tell you a story about your father.
Your father didn't walk until he was 19 months old.
It wasn't that he couldn't, but rather that he wouldn't.
It's scary. You get up there, and you never know when you'll fall.
You never know when something is going to trip you up
When an obstacle will get in your way that you just didn't see coming
And so I crawled. It's much safer down there, where there's less to fall from.
There's also less to see, less to reach for, less to achieve.
So when I see you, little one year old, walking around that corner with confidence in your eyes
I can't help but well up with pride. You fly around these floors which you once crawled around
with a look on your face that says "Hey, what could possibly stop me now?"
Will you fall every now and then? Of course!
Will you get into mischief? I'd be worried if you didn't!
But don't let it stop you. Don't let it slow you.
Keep flying around corners with that proud look on your face
Keep beaming with confidence, even when you fall
I'll be here to pick you back up and tell you to keep going.
Learn from your falls, don't let them take over your actions.
Always know that you've made your father proud.