I have often fantasized about the idea of going back in time. Of waking up one morning, and it's 1999 again. I get to do things all over again. Sometimes I express this fantasy to people and they thing it's some Back to the Future, Sports Almanac situation. But that's not it. The fantasy isn't about betting on the super bowl, buying stock in Apple, or buying Bitcoins for pennies. I think I only just now figured out what it's truly about.
My entire life, I have felt a step behind everyone else. Every single class I was in, I was the quiet kid. I was awkward. I was super kind, and had good things to say, but I didn't speak often. To my close friends, I was a very good friend, but to everyone else, I was kind of just there. This was true for my entire elementary school experience, where I essentially had two friends, it was true for middle school, where I essentially had no friends, and it was true in high school, where I made great friendships, but still felt like I was catching up. It was true in college, where I didn't really make long term connections, and it has still been true at work, where moving work relationships to true friendships is not a thing I've ever managed to do.
So what is the fantasy really about? It's about the fact that this fantasy is the only situation in which I can imagine myseslf being a step ahead. Having an edge socially. Being able to keep up in a conversation. Of course I think about other aspects of it as well, but it always comes back to being able to be ahead socially. And if I'm being honest, it's less about trying to relive my teenage years and more about yearning for any situation where I feel caught up. Where I feel at ease and confident in a group. Somedays I'll spend time with loved ones and feel like I have caught up. And then I'll go to a work function and have absolutely no idea how to join a conversation. To be honest I've kind of lost the desire to go to work parties, ever. Because I've spent all day trying to fit in with these people, and it was exhausting, why would I want to spend my own time doing that?
But it's not just socializing where I've noticed differences. There are certain skills that I am fully capable of doing, that just take me a little bit longer than everyone else to figure out. Driving? I think I'm a fully capable driver now, but I took more tries at the L and N tests than I'd like to admit. Sports? I'm good enough to have fun now, but I had no idea what to do in any team sport until high school. Walking? Yup, even as a baby, took my time with learning how to walk too.
I'm not saying I'm not good at anything. I do have some natural gifts. I believe I'm very good at researching topics of interest and remembering tons of information about them. At one point, at the peak of my interest in Big Brother, I could tell you about the voting results of every single week of Big Brother from Season 2 - Season 14. Within a year of being a hockey fan I could tell you every MVP, Playoff MVP, and first overall pick of the last twenty years, I could also tell you every Stanley Cup winner going back to the 70's.
But that doesn't help me out career wise. You know what skill of mine has helped me the most throughout my career? Connecting with kids on the autism spectrum. Engaging in their interests. Being patient with them. Supporting their needs. Reminding them to be patient with themselves. Giving them time and space to be themselves and grow at their own pace and to make mistakes. To not be perfect at things the first time. Sometimes I think I ended up in this job by acciddent, but it was not a coincidence. I was drawn there. I've always been drawn there. Towards kids who feel different. Towards kids who don't fit in. Towards kids who were like me.
So I guess if I had the time machine, I wouldn't relive my life. I wouldn't do things different. But I would tell myself that it was okay. That I would have a hard time making friends, but I'd find people. That not every skill would come naturally, but to be patient with myself. That I needed to give myself time and space to grow at my own pace and to make mistakes. And I guess the reason I'm writing this is because I don't need a time machine to tell myself that now.
